Fear and Loathing
I've agreed to run 6 miles in July to raise money for charity, a colleague has coerced me into it. I feel the need to get fit and a little weight loss would be a bonus.
I have the best intentions, I spend 70 quid on a pair of running shoes. I start running, I'm really into it, it feels good and it's free (apart from the shoes). My first run was two miles. I felt great. I'm not exactly well oiled or streamlined, so to run two miles without dying is an achievment. That run was with someone so I was being pushed. When I go on my own I struggle for half a mile and have to stop. Half of the effort required for running appears to be psychological.
In the last couple of weeks however my enthusiasm has waned and so begins a cycle of self loathing and guilt. I want to run and I'm capable, so when I put it off I feel sad and angry. It feels like everything else I've attempted;
University- didn't complete the first year twice.
German Classes- stopped attending half way through.
Applying for a new job- I can endlessly procrastinate and miss application deadlines.
Various other hobbies infatuations too numerous to mention.
A list of shame. I fear failing or rejection so much that I'd rather not try at all. Yet when I tackle this fear and follow something through its power over me is lost.
When I cave into the fear I feel temporarily relieved, "thank god", "I didn't have to try" and "I can get on with my life now". This is what I say to myself and that makes it OK. That feeling doesn't last long, that's when the loathing sets in. I surrendered, I gave in, everyone else can do it- why can't I?, I'm not a real man, I'm scared.
This is what happens when I let the fear win. I create a world for myself where I can hide and shut others out, where I am caged and restricted.
I'm 24 years old, on the verge of turning 25. I know what path can free me and that is to accept the fear and carry on regardless. So what if I don't understand something or get confused at least I'm doing. I can ask others for help, that's no big deal. I don't always have to be right, perfection is not my goal.
When I started this post I was raging and beating myself up. Now I feel affirmed. The rage has subsided. A nice bit of catharsis. My journey continues.
I have the best intentions, I spend 70 quid on a pair of running shoes. I start running, I'm really into it, it feels good and it's free (apart from the shoes). My first run was two miles. I felt great. I'm not exactly well oiled or streamlined, so to run two miles without dying is an achievment. That run was with someone so I was being pushed. When I go on my own I struggle for half a mile and have to stop. Half of the effort required for running appears to be psychological.
In the last couple of weeks however my enthusiasm has waned and so begins a cycle of self loathing and guilt. I want to run and I'm capable, so when I put it off I feel sad and angry. It feels like everything else I've attempted;
University- didn't complete the first year twice.
German Classes- stopped attending half way through.
Applying for a new job- I can endlessly procrastinate and miss application deadlines.
Various other hobbies infatuations too numerous to mention.
A list of shame. I fear failing or rejection so much that I'd rather not try at all. Yet when I tackle this fear and follow something through its power over me is lost.
When I cave into the fear I feel temporarily relieved, "thank god", "I didn't have to try" and "I can get on with my life now". This is what I say to myself and that makes it OK. That feeling doesn't last long, that's when the loathing sets in. I surrendered, I gave in, everyone else can do it- why can't I?, I'm not a real man, I'm scared.
This is what happens when I let the fear win. I create a world for myself where I can hide and shut others out, where I am caged and restricted.
I'm 24 years old, on the verge of turning 25. I know what path can free me and that is to accept the fear and carry on regardless. So what if I don't understand something or get confused at least I'm doing. I can ask others for help, that's no big deal. I don't always have to be right, perfection is not my goal.
When I started this post I was raging and beating myself up. Now I feel affirmed. The rage has subsided. A nice bit of catharsis. My journey continues.
posted by big-gig at 5:17 pm
1 Comments:
When i was 17 i had TB and i was ashamed - felt like a leper. so ileft my job as a trainee chartered accountant and i avoided relationships 'cause i thought i couldnt kiss a girl iwas a pariah and it was somehow my fault. My dad was an ignorant man just didnt know much. I wish now there'd been someone there to tell me it was ok - guide me and reassure me, tell me i was ok. I'm quoting your grandfather of course who's 78 now in a conversation i had with him a week ago when adam your brother did the "Warriors". That shame goes way back with us and has crippled us stopped us realising our potential. Difference is i didn't get it till i was 37 and i stopped using - came into recovery. Your getting it now Gig and your only 24. And you're talking about it. thats where freedom lies. You are showing up in your authentic self. I hope i can continue to reciprocate. When i think of your early years - me and your mum both using. Me incapable of taking responsibility for anything - scared of everything. it amazes, awes me, how well you've done. You bring me great joy. keep writing, you are one of the funniest warmest men i've had the privilege to meet - and your my son.
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