Anger is an Energy

On my way to work, the alarm didn’t go off this morning so I’m not going to make it in for nine, the PC’s gone crazy so I can’t burn off a video I need for work. My girlfriend lost her purse she starts freaking out, it’s on the sofa. The wind has started picking up, it’s against me.

The anger’s already brewing when I start to pedal. I swerve to avoid a pothole someone beeps.
I turn round to give the driver a dirty look, he has an angry face. This isn’t enough for me as he overtakes I shout at the top of my voice:

“I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE FUCKING LUMPS IN THE ROAD, YOU FUCKING
CUUUUUNT!”

Mothers are walking their young children to school, I’m aware of this but that doesn’t stop me from having a completely inappropriate reaction to a minor situation.
Immediately I’m overcome by guilt, shame and self loathing.
The driver tries to pull over in front of me, he yells something I can’t understand, I can’t hear, my minds gone into a feedback loop.

We part our ways. I can’t see the traffic lights, I react slowly to the green, I’m on auto pilot I know this journey well I could cycle it with my eyes closed, my body has taken over to stop my mind from throwing me under a bus. Surely a solution to stifle the incessant fear. The fear of being revealed as an uncivilised brute hiding behind the mask of a nice man.

This is dangerous I need to get to work alive try to beat the mind into submission “Come on we can talk about this later but first we’ve got a job to do” my body placates its companion.

I’ll give myself a 3/10 for proficiency and safety of my ride to work. My outburst and immediate shamed reaction clouded my judgement, I was not cycling safely today.

Inappropriately displaced anger is not good, I need a safe space to talk about this with others. Work doesn’t feel safe, so for now all I can do is write it out. Even now I’m still feeling angry, I don’t want to do anything for anyone else I just want to lie down and cry. Let me draw a line under the whole thing
___________________________________________________________________

That should sort it, back to work now!

Dialogue

“You going to Oxford Street?”

“You want a 73, I only go to Euston mate”

Parked up at Euston Colin heard a familiar voice.

“Alright Col, you still driving that thing? Not too late to change, good pension and somewhere warm to sit and if Joe public gives you lip you can cuff him”

“Ha I’m too old for that now Dave I retire in a year!”

“Me too Col, Once I sell the house here I’m off to Albufeira. Hows the missus?”

“So so Dave, the Docs reckon she’ll be able to come home soon”

“Do you still see the lads? I haven’t been over for years”

“Neither have I Dave

Heatwave

Original subject I know.

My brain has slowly turned to mush over the last three days, the remaining braincells just about manage to get me to drink water and keep still.

It feels impossible to work especially as the conditions in my office are beginning to feel like a laundry. Literally as the outlets from the Tumble dryers in the laundry room blow hot humid air straight into our windows. AC would be nice but the thought of using that much electricity just to keep cool sit uneasily with my conscience.

The pollution levels in London really become noticeable in this heat. Cycling home leaves me feeling like I've smoked 2 ounces of fake chinese rolling tobacco. Cycling over 20mph becomes extremely testing when each breath is tainted with "eau de bus".

I love the heat and it's only guilt that stops me ringing in sick so I can go swimming on Hampstead Heath.

Too hot for sex and food and the conditions in my office induce narcolepsy making me fall asleep as soon as I get home. My evenings have become fun free, I'd love to descend into a self piteous heap on the floor..... Hmmmm..........
My girlfriend seems to have gone nuts with the heat, we've just got a kitten who loves to chase a ping pong ball around all night, my job has become really boring, I always get bored in the summer, I've got no decent clothes, I don't earn enough, I've got no friends, my life isn't exciting, I mumble when I speak, I have an addiction to eating crap, I can't stop looking at women, OH GOD IT'S TOO FUCKING HOT!

......Deep breaths.....

I need a holiday I'm going in August but I need a couple of days off to tide me over, time to ask the boss for some annual leave.

Cheerio

Urban Jungle

I've made a vow not to use public transport and travel everywhere, within reason, on my bicycle.

I had a training course in Stratford last week so I downloaded a crazy cycle route off the tfl journey planner.

The route led to me riding in circles through Lower Clapton until I found my way onto the Lee Navigation.

The Lea valley is a rare incursion of the countryside into this city.

The sun was shining as I cycled with beautiful meadows to my left while to my right troubled housing estates of the east end touched the banks.

The wide and surprisingly empty towpath was a joy to ride.

The path came to an end, my map wasn't clear on which route to take. The Hertford Union canal joins the Lee Navigation at this point. I decided to press on even though the cycle route had ended.

The path ahead looked navigable although overgrown (shorts and nettles are not an appealing combination).

The path became more wild as I ventured further not knowing if I would be led to a dead end or be plunged into the river by a loose rock and nobody would know what had happened to me.

On the banks the last vestiges of London's industry clung to life colonising this marginal land, metal pressing plants and air conditioning manufacturers housed in grubby broken down buildings.

It soon dawned on me that I was becoming lost, but I could still enjoy the nature and silence away from the traffic.

Soon a split appeared in the river so I picked a direction that led me into an incongrous concrete underpass that led below the northern outfall sewer (Bazalgettes masterpiece of Victorian engineering) I could see people passing above but there was no visible way to reach them. I had to descend into the underpass.

Unfortunately for me the floor of the tunnel was covered in a 2" layer of algae and rotting vegetatation producing an unwholesome smell. I was committed now, there was no turning back, I took a deep breath...

As I went through the filthy slime splashed onto my legs and as the wheels of my bike disturbed it the smell increased. It was slippy as ice a fall would ruin my day.

I emerged from under the sewer into a strange Apocalypse Now landscape crowded with strange birds and overgrown vegetation a real insight into how London might have looked thousands of years ago, but the signs of human interference are everywhere shopping trolleys in the water and glimpse of long forgotten buildings through the vegetation.

A heron shuffled reluctantly off the path to let me pass. I re-entered the world at this point and came out onto the motorway known as Stratford High Street.

I could still smell the slime that was splattered up my legs setting me up nicely for the boring 2 day training course that ending up bearing little relevance to my job.

Cycling again!

I seem to lose concentration as I get nearer to my place of work. I don't look behind enough or feel aware of other vehicles, I'm just intent on reaching the finish line.

This morning I've had drivers shouting at me, I've shouted at them and just felt thoroughly ashamed of the whole sordid ordeal. I was fuming this morning and the driver and passenger concerned where with me for most of the way after the affair. At the time I wanted to smash them and the car into pieces with a sledgehammer. Fortunately I ratuionalised and apologised to them. The apology had an immediate affect it seemed to nullify the aggression between all of us. I still felt anger but I new that I wouldn't feel any more shame.

I need to make an effort to concentrate more on the road and not be so competive with other cyclists and cars.

This blog seems to have become an outlet for my anger and fear, a good thing but I would like to write more about the good things I do that don't make me furious.

My next entry will be something positive about my job and helping others.

Cyclic Stress

Sunday night- I'm cycling home straight as a die when a driver beeps behind me.

Usually I don't react but this time I turn round. The driver of the silver mercedes is driving with one hand on the wheel and the other is pressing his phone to his ear. I immediately feel anger- how dare you beep, you're breaking the law you bloody idiot- every sinew in my body says this.

I stay right where I am, not letting him past and I turn into the main road continuing to not let him past. I let him overtake and he accuses me of cycling like a maniac, I call him a cunt and mention his phone use. MY anger still boiling I pull out my mobile and try to enter his registration. At this stage my eyes aren't on the road I just continue towards my house I then pull over and take down the number.

At home I call the police, the local station answers quickly, I give them the registration number and tell them he was using his mobile whilst driving. They log it on the system, what happens next I know not. Maybe a police car pulls him over and has a word? maybe nothing happens?

Oh well, I tried to do something about it. Normally I ignore people beeping at me or driving like idiots. I cycle to work each day in the rush hour and witness all sorts of idiocy- turning a corner with one hand on the wheel one on the phone and not indicating- pulling out in front of me- changing lane and not indicating- drifting across the lanes.

Little things I admit but each one puts me and other road users in danger. I don't want to die or end up paralysed because some fool is talking to his girlfriend. Take the bloke in the mercedes for instance if he hits me I've only got a polystyrene helmet to protect me, he is belted in to a steel cage with side impact bars, airbags and all that other crap that makes him feel like he owns the road. He gets some blood on his car I get to spend the rest of my life in a chair, on a ventilator or pushing up the daisies.

This is why 9 times out of 10 I try not to react to idiot driving, but the sheer amount of it I see makes it so hard to just dismiss it.

I can't believe that so many people are unaware that driving a car is dangerous and is something that demands your full attention. What gives you the right to to decide what road laws you follow and which ones you disregard. I understand that London is congested that sometimes tfl makes silly decision around traffic lights and the local councils put humps and bumps everywhere. Is all this bad driving a passive aggressive reaction to all the above. Do people feel that by not indicating or drinking a milkshake at the wheel they're sticking two fingers up at Ken Livingstone and his congestion charge?

I'm not a perfect cyclist by all means I make mistakes on the road, I'd like to think that I'm able to make mistakes and trust that other drivers are on the ball enough to avert accidents. How can I trust this to happen when some drivers aren't?

I'm currently making moves to get a driving licence and I'm scared that I'll forget what it's like to be cycling in the rain and I'll turn into a monster behind the wheel. I'd like to think this won't happen to me.

Cars are great but remember to think about others and show the respect that is due to all life.