Anger is an Energy
On my way to work, the alarm didn’t go off this morning so I’m not going to make it in for nine, the PC’s gone crazy so I can’t burn off a video I need for work. My girlfriend lost her purse she starts freaking out, it’s on the sofa. The wind has started picking up, it’s against me.
The anger’s already brewing when I start to pedal. I swerve to avoid a pothole someone beeps.
I turn round to give the driver a dirty look, he has an angry face. This isn’t enough for me as he overtakes I shout at the top of my voice:
Mothers are walking their young children to school, I’m aware of this but that doesn’t stop me from having a completely inappropriate reaction to a minor situation.
Immediately I’m overcome by guilt, shame and self loathing.
The driver tries to pull over in front of me, he yells something I can’t understand, I can’t hear, my minds gone into a feedback loop.
We part our ways. I can’t see the traffic lights, I react slowly to the green, I’m on auto pilot I know this journey well I could cycle it with my eyes closed, my body has taken over to stop my mind from throwing me under a bus. Surely a solution to stifle the incessant fear. The fear of being revealed as an uncivilised brute hiding behind the mask of a nice man.
This is dangerous I need to get to work alive try to beat the mind into submission “Come on we can talk about this later but first we’ve got a job to do” my body placates its companion.
I’ll give myself a 3/10 for proficiency and safety of my ride to work. My outburst and immediate shamed reaction clouded my judgement, I was not cycling safely today.
Inappropriately displaced anger is not good, I need a safe space to talk about this with others. Work doesn’t feel safe, so for now all I can do is write it out. Even now I’m still feeling angry, I don’t want to do anything for anyone else I just want to lie down and cry. Let me draw a line under the whole thing
___________________________________________________________________
That should sort it, back to work now!
The anger’s already brewing when I start to pedal. I swerve to avoid a pothole someone beeps.
I turn round to give the driver a dirty look, he has an angry face. This isn’t enough for me as he overtakes I shout at the top of my voice:
“I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE FUCKING LUMPS IN THE ROAD, YOU FUCKING
CUUUUUNT!”
Mothers are walking their young children to school, I’m aware of this but that doesn’t stop me from having a completely inappropriate reaction to a minor situation.
Immediately I’m overcome by guilt, shame and self loathing.
The driver tries to pull over in front of me, he yells something I can’t understand, I can’t hear, my minds gone into a feedback loop.
We part our ways. I can’t see the traffic lights, I react slowly to the green, I’m on auto pilot I know this journey well I could cycle it with my eyes closed, my body has taken over to stop my mind from throwing me under a bus. Surely a solution to stifle the incessant fear. The fear of being revealed as an uncivilised brute hiding behind the mask of a nice man.
This is dangerous I need to get to work alive try to beat the mind into submission “Come on we can talk about this later but first we’ve got a job to do” my body placates its companion.
I’ll give myself a 3/10 for proficiency and safety of my ride to work. My outburst and immediate shamed reaction clouded my judgement, I was not cycling safely today.
Inappropriately displaced anger is not good, I need a safe space to talk about this with others. Work doesn’t feel safe, so for now all I can do is write it out. Even now I’m still feeling angry, I don’t want to do anything for anyone else I just want to lie down and cry. Let me draw a line under the whole thing
___________________________________________________________________
That should sort it, back to work now!
posted by big-gig at 10:29 am
1 Comments:
Like you, anger has been both a curse and a burden to me and also the source of my creative energy. I fear it and struggle with the alchemy of transformation of a self-destructive force to an ally of warrior fire and compassion. I fear that i've bequeathed to you what was bequeathed to me but we're both doing the best we can in the here and now. Gareth you are a powerful loving courageous man with great personal integrity and honesty. I have learned and continue to learn from you. the old adage that the 'child is father to the man' is never more true than in our relationship. I am very proud that you are my son. love and fellowship, nick mercer
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