Cycling again!

I seem to lose concentration as I get nearer to my place of work. I don't look behind enough or feel aware of other vehicles, I'm just intent on reaching the finish line.

This morning I've had drivers shouting at me, I've shouted at them and just felt thoroughly ashamed of the whole sordid ordeal. I was fuming this morning and the driver and passenger concerned where with me for most of the way after the affair. At the time I wanted to smash them and the car into pieces with a sledgehammer. Fortunately I ratuionalised and apologised to them. The apology had an immediate affect it seemed to nullify the aggression between all of us. I still felt anger but I new that I wouldn't feel any more shame.

I need to make an effort to concentrate more on the road and not be so competive with other cyclists and cars.

This blog seems to have become an outlet for my anger and fear, a good thing but I would like to write more about the good things I do that don't make me furious.

My next entry will be something positive about my job and helping others.

Cyclic Stress

Sunday night- I'm cycling home straight as a die when a driver beeps behind me.

Usually I don't react but this time I turn round. The driver of the silver mercedes is driving with one hand on the wheel and the other is pressing his phone to his ear. I immediately feel anger- how dare you beep, you're breaking the law you bloody idiot- every sinew in my body says this.

I stay right where I am, not letting him past and I turn into the main road continuing to not let him past. I let him overtake and he accuses me of cycling like a maniac, I call him a cunt and mention his phone use. MY anger still boiling I pull out my mobile and try to enter his registration. At this stage my eyes aren't on the road I just continue towards my house I then pull over and take down the number.

At home I call the police, the local station answers quickly, I give them the registration number and tell them he was using his mobile whilst driving. They log it on the system, what happens next I know not. Maybe a police car pulls him over and has a word? maybe nothing happens?

Oh well, I tried to do something about it. Normally I ignore people beeping at me or driving like idiots. I cycle to work each day in the rush hour and witness all sorts of idiocy- turning a corner with one hand on the wheel one on the phone and not indicating- pulling out in front of me- changing lane and not indicating- drifting across the lanes.

Little things I admit but each one puts me and other road users in danger. I don't want to die or end up paralysed because some fool is talking to his girlfriend. Take the bloke in the mercedes for instance if he hits me I've only got a polystyrene helmet to protect me, he is belted in to a steel cage with side impact bars, airbags and all that other crap that makes him feel like he owns the road. He gets some blood on his car I get to spend the rest of my life in a chair, on a ventilator or pushing up the daisies.

This is why 9 times out of 10 I try not to react to idiot driving, but the sheer amount of it I see makes it so hard to just dismiss it.

I can't believe that so many people are unaware that driving a car is dangerous and is something that demands your full attention. What gives you the right to to decide what road laws you follow and which ones you disregard. I understand that London is congested that sometimes tfl makes silly decision around traffic lights and the local councils put humps and bumps everywhere. Is all this bad driving a passive aggressive reaction to all the above. Do people feel that by not indicating or drinking a milkshake at the wheel they're sticking two fingers up at Ken Livingstone and his congestion charge?

I'm not a perfect cyclist by all means I make mistakes on the road, I'd like to think that I'm able to make mistakes and trust that other drivers are on the ball enough to avert accidents. How can I trust this to happen when some drivers aren't?

I'm currently making moves to get a driving licence and I'm scared that I'll forget what it's like to be cycling in the rain and I'll turn into a monster behind the wheel. I'd like to think this won't happen to me.

Cars are great but remember to think about others and show the respect that is due to all life.

Long week at the ranch...

Another week over. Its not been a good week.

One of our residents was found dead in his room on Wednesday evening, by the smell staff who found him think he was there for over 24 hours. Apparently it was an overdose, but the Police believe someone else was in the room when it happened so they're treating it as suspicious and the room is still sealed off.

On the same day a man came in to tell us that one of our residents who had just moved out was found dead in his flat. He had been a heavy drinker for years but had recently been making movements in the right direction, trying to avoid drinking and attending AA meetings. He was about 55 and couldn't read and write, he was a nice bloke and was always polite and had never given us any grief.

The guy who died in the hostel was always in an urgent hurry to get his script, rude to everyone and always walked round with a miserable look on his face and a bottle of cider. I judged him to be unpleasant, unlikeable etc. I don't know what went on in his life to make him the way he appeared. The whole thing made me feel quite sad, dying perched up against the radiator whilst the fella who was with you ran off and didn't get help.

Since December we've had four deaths in the hostel and one ex resident. Apparently there hasn't been a death at our hostel for over three years.
Personally I'm suprised that it doesn't happen more often, we work with 160 people and a good percentage of those have serious substance misuse issues.

I feel quite subdued by the whole thing, I've accepted the the deaths and its back to work.
It has knocked me a bit, sometimes I feel that I'm wasting my time and that whatever I do some residents will never change their self destructive behaviours.

Of course not everyone will change, my head tells me this nice and logically, my heart on the other hand will always have trouble accepting this fact.When these deaths happen I ask myself if I could have done more surely if I was good at my job these things wouldn't happen. I forget that there's another 40 staff having similar thoughts.

I love helping people and I'm good at my job. However I sometimes get a sense of being fraudulent, like I'm putting up a whole pretence and one day somebody's going to turn around and say "What the fuck are you doing?". The fact that this hasn't happened shows that I'm more than capable of doing my duties at work. Self doubt is something I've struggled with for many years, the underlying feeling to that doubt is fear... fear of being wrong, fear of harming others, fear of others harming me.
I've had good opportunities to accept this fear and not allow it to take control. If I give in to this fear I end up running away and hiding from life.

A week like this has left me feeling scared, angry and shameful though I also feel some joy at spending this weekend with my partner being in love.