Angry Weekend

You’d think I have reason to be happy, I’ve just packed in a job I hate and
I get to take a month off work.

I should be happy and relaxed but no. All I can feel is fear and anxiety about paying the rent and getting another job. The major fear is that I’ll revert into some kind of deep slump and shut myself away. Hiding from the world fearful of enjoying my life.

Over the past few weeks these feelings have been slowly strangulating me. I’ve been losing my rag over trivial matters. Knocking myself in the house and work then punching and kicking the inanimate objects that have caused me pain. Or the TV aerial is fucked and watching telly has become a test of patience I regularly fail and has almost had me in tears.

This is one of the few weekends I have off but all throughout it I’ve been like a raging bull. My poor girlfriend has been on the receiving end of a few enraged outbursts.

Lets look at what I see as the main catalysts of my rage/fear:

1- I’m not going to get another job

2- I’ll have no money

3- I won’t be able to pay the rent and we’ll get evicted

4- I’ll give up on my dreams, take the first horrible job that comes along and lead a miserable existence until I die of heart failure or some horrible tumour

Lets go through the list:

1- Of course I’ll get another job. I have lots of experience and I’m very conscientious. Don’t worry about that one mate.

2- So what? I have enough to get me by and work will be no problem
See above

3- Get a fucking grip.

I’m still feeling angry after writing this. The process of putting finger to keyboard will help this rage to dissipate. It won’t take the rage away but it gives me the opportunity to see how these fears lead me to confused anger.

I’m not a monster, I’m not a psychopath, I’m just a bit overwhelmed with the complexities of life the universe and everything.